Self-imposed Curses

"You ever feel cursed coach? That no matter what, inside your heart you feel that you gonna lose? Like something's hanging over you, following you like a witch or a demon that just… You can't win. I feel like that all the time. Even when things are going good. When we're winning, it's there. And when we're losing, it's there.

What it took me along time to realize that a… There ain't much difference between winning and losing, except for how the outside world treats you. But inside you, it's about all the same. Yah know? It really is. Fact of the matter is I believe that our only curses are the ones that are self-imposed. Yah know what I'm saying? We…all of us dig our own holes.

Ain't no curses." ~Friday Night Lights

Day 6 - 3:00pm

I've managed to convince almost everybody here that I don't speak a lick of Korean. Little do they know, I studied for 6 years as a young adult and even more as a young child. It's been 1.5 years since I was last surrounding by a Korean-speaking community, so I have gotten rusty, but I could easily get by. I am elementary level efficient at reading, writing, and speaking, but terrible at listening. This is my self-imposed curse. I panic. The best way I can explain it is a sports star choking at the big game. I have done all the practicing, and I'm a pro with my fellow classmates, but when it comes time to speak with an adult, I panic. A mixture of my emotions and worries all intertwine with flashbacks of the millions of times I was told off or lectured by Korean people that I should know my own language. All the conversations I was left out of or couldn't take part in. And all the times my parents were villainized for robbing me of my culture. I am Roberto Baggio choking in the 1994 World Cup Final.

But my experiences at the shopping center have started to curb that. I was hesitant at first, to approach the salesmen at the Nike and Adidas store, and debating whether to just go straight with English or try some Korean. I used Korean. It worked out. I successfully had a conversation about soccer and bought some training pants. After I checked out, we talked about Hawaii and the Chicago Bulls. At the Nike store, the sales guy and I discussed the positives and negatives between trainers and running shoes. They weren't the most developed of conversations, but definitely an accomplishment. One step forward. I'm beginning to dig my way out of my own hole, if that's physically possible.

Ouch.

Day 5 - 6am

I'm not sure if I owe this to Korea, or just the fact that I am out of my element of living like a slob at home, but my body is breaking down only to be rebuilt again. Simply put, I am very injury prone here, but I'm doing a lot of healthy stuff to make up for it. In the last 3 days I bashed my left ankle against a metal bed frame, causing it to swell; split half of my index finger nail from the flesh by slicing it with a deck of playing cards; tripped over the slightly raised advertisements that they place on the sidewalks; walked into numerous sign mounts and pagodas at CoEx mall; and of course, still battling my terrible blisters. But I've also gone on runs along the Han river, played soccer twice, done yoga in the mornings, and eaten healthier. I think in the long run, at the end of this trip, I will be leaving a healthier man-boy.

Yoga is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I always assumed I was nimble and flexible as a soccer player, as opposed to football players. I was so wrong.

Once again gotta cut entry short. Time to go to Korean Amusement Park.

HomeStay

Day 4 - 5am

Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of meeting and moving in with my host family, the Oh's. Typically the previous participants of this program, which has only been around for 3 years now, moved in after 5-7 days of jet-lag recuperation and adjustment to Seoul life. I was transferred within 48 hours, which I'm really happy about. I was positively-warned about the host mom by both previous boarders and the program director. "She is unlike any Korean woman her age that you will meet. I promise you that." After spending one afternoon with her and her family, I have to say she's unlike any woman worldwide that I've ever met. She has crazy energy running through her system all the time. Very energetic, enthusiastic, and always laughing. The best example I could give is SNL's Molly Shannon, specifically her Helen Madden personality. She was the eccentric, spiritual guru that yelled "I love it! I love it! I love it." Youtube it if you don't know the reference, and keep in mind Helen is still a tamer comparison.

This family is very diverse. They come from all over. The mom and dad are Korean born and raised, but the kids have all lived abroad. Their son is enrolled at an international boarding school on Jeju Island. One niece lived in Shanghai since she was 12. She speaks fluent Korean, Madarin, some Cantonese, and English. Then one of the nephews moved to England when he was little. He sounds like Harry Potter (I don't mean just the accent, his voice literally sounds like Daniel Ratcliff's voice). It's awesome. Lastly, the most surprising bit of info I learned, was that my hosts are 10 year veterans of many homestay programs, and have housed between 50-60 people (majority women) from all over the world. I am the first native-English speaking male. She has been writing a book about her experiences, and plans to have it published next year. I have the honor of helping her translate it for the English version.

Meeting this family is one more shattering blow to all of the generalizations about Koreans that I learned in college. I really need to stop taking advice from the filthy rich international students at Illinois. I'm beginning to realize they don't know much about their own country and people, outside of their own communities and economic class. It'd be like having somebody from lakeside property in downtown Chicago tell you about life and people in the Southside or suburbs.

More updates on the way. Time for my 5:30am traditional Korean yoga lesson with Mrs. Oh.

Singapore Air and DONGKYU!!!

Sorry if this breaks the sequence of posts, but I wrote this on the plane and forgot to post it.

"Trust me
It's Paradise
This is where the hungry comes to feed
For mine is a generation that circles the globe
in search of something we haven't tried before
so never refuse an invitation
never resist the unfamiliar
never fail to be polite
and never outstay your welcome

just keep your mind open and
suck in the experience
and if it hurts
you know what... it's probably worth it

you hope, and you dream
but you never believe that something is gonna happen to you
not like it does in the movies
and when it actually does
you expect it to feel different
more visceral
more real
I was waiting for it to hit me
Hit me

I still believe in paradise
but now at least I know it's not some place you can look for
cause it's not where you go
it's how you feel for a moment in your life
and if you find that moment
It will last forever" ~The Beach

Day 1 - The Long Voyage

There are approximately 3.5 hours left before I reach Incheon. I have peed 5 times, brushed my teeth twice, and gone up for bags 3 times. I feel very fidgety compared to my fellow passengers. I haven't even see some people get up once.

10 hours ago…

I arrived at the airport and check in went very smoothly. I was very relieved to find out that I was assigned an aisle seat. I went through security which was much smoother than what I'm used to with Holt and O'hare. Must be because it was an International wing.

$320 was traded for 300,000 Korean won. Let's see how long I can live off that.

In front of me in the security line was a group of young Korean children and their chaperones. A couple of the kids were the cutest little Korean elementary-aged children I have ever seen. There was one boy in particular, the smallest of the group, who appealed to me. He looked like a soccer player. He had long curly, light-brown hair and was hugging onto his rainbow neck pillow tightly. After 2 hours of waiting in the gate area, we boarded the plane and I was more excited to find out that he was sitting in the center seat right next to me, along with one of the older chaperones. His name was Dongkyu and we started talking when I helped him find the input holes where the plug in the earphones. I wish I knew more Korean. I really wanted to talk to this dude more. But language barrier aside, he was pretty shy.

I started the entertainment, to curb my madness, by watching the German film The Devil's Kids. It was a cheesy film about soccer and a young German suburban boy. Lahm and Podolski made some cameos; that was awesome. I slept for an hour, then kept cycling through reading Harry and Bertha Holt's book, studying Korean, studying my camera manual, listening to music, playing video games with Dongkyu, and eating. I ended the flight with Unstoppable and 2 episodes of The Office.

The Look of Korea

Korea - Day 3 - 6am

I've done so much walking and exploring of the city within the last 48 hours that I have blisters all over my feet. It's hard to walk now. I realized last night how sedentary and inactive my life had become over the last year. Hopefully within a couple of days, my feet will strengthen and callus.

Before coming to Korea, my head was filled with the words of many of my peers, consisting of Korean adoptees and Korean Americans that had travelled to Korea, and my fellow Korean National teammates and classmates. The focus of our conversations was always about the superficiality of Koreans. I was warned they dress nicer and are much more beautiful, and that I would stick out like a sore thumb. I took their words fairly seriously, especially since it matched up with a lot of the images I saw in Kpop videos and Kdramas.

But I now know, from witnessing it myself, Korea is just like American (and probably any other country for that matter) in that there is a wide spectrum of people here, both in superficial looks and clothing style. To put it bluntly, and I mean this in the best of ways, there are ugly and fat people here too. I've seen chubby people walking around on the streets, and a lot of dudes in sweat pants and soccer gear (sad I didn't bring mine too). Spending some of my childhood growing up in Hawaii, my teachers were all overweight and wore muu-muus. So I could care less how big people are, but the fact that not everybody here in Korea looks like Hyolee or TaeYang makes me feel more comfortable and at home. Also, I don't think a single person has commented on my clothing, or even cares. I will admit though, for the Koreans within my age range, who care about clothing, their standard of dressing up is much higher than the average American (who is also the same age and cares about clothing). And this is what gets lost in the generalizations.

So the lesson of the day is the obvious. There is a reason why the words bias, opinion, and perspective exist. Every bit of advice, filled with all the impressions and generalizations about Korea and it's people, were really just filled with people's happy, sad, positive, negative, superficial, bitter experiences.

That said, today while leaving the subway, I saw and heard an old grandma/grandpa couple making fun of an overweight girl walking in front of them. I kinda wanted to tell them off, but my Koreans not that good yet.

Sockets

I came across this picture yesterday while researching what kind of converter I needed. The whole time All of the Lights by Kanye West was playing in my head, except it was All of the Sockets. My head comes up with a lot of lame stuff. I think Switzerland's looks the coolest.

My Influences

"I now know, by an almost fatalistic conformity with the facts, that my destiny is to travel." ~Che Guevara

With all the excitement and anxiety building up as my departure for Korea edges closer (now only 6 days away), I can't help but take the time to acknowledge my influences. I will be thinking about their words my whole trip. Perhaps it was fate, mere coincidence, or my mind subconsciously making decisions for me on what to read and watch, but the last half year has been filled with a calling to travel. To those bored with the familiar I definitely recommend the following:

-Legionnaire by Simon Murray
-The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara
-Walden by Henry David Thoreau
-All of Jack Kerouac's writings

-Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and his books
-Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern
-Wild America
-Into the Wild
-127 Hours

With most of the USA already explored (with the exception of Alaska, Florida, and Maine), I'm ready to travel internationally as a young adult. I remember very little of my travels as an elementary school boy, so I really consider this my first true travel abroad. Hopefully my journey will be half as entertaining as those experienced in the works above.

Korea Konfirmed

Like the title? Mortal Kombat inspired.

Officially, in one week I will be on a plane to Korea. It will be my first time back since the Spring of 1992. It was a long application process, frustrating both in duration and finances. Here's the break down:

(I thought about using the MasterCard analogy, but it's been overused.)

-Intellius Background Check $25
-USSearch Background Check $20 (The first one wasn't acceptable)
-Illinois State Police Background Check $16 (I was told the second one was unacceptable, but then they changed their minds. Living in 6 states made background checks really hard).
-College Transcripts $8
-Drug Test $48
-Kinkos Copies(adoption papers, birth certificate, diploma, etc) $20
-Notary Public $2
-Apostille (Hague Convention Certification) $160
-Physical Exam $75
-Visa $45

Grand Total: $419

Plus I also had to buy my own plane ticket. Add another $605.

I really hope this trip is worth it. My pockets are empty.

Chris 2.0

"To see with eyes unclouded by hate." ~Ashitaka (Mononoke-Hime)

2 weeks ago I had a typical heated argument with my ex-girlfriend. I learned 2 things from my 3.5 year relationship with her. [1]Shes not the greatest person in the world (specifically for me), but [2]shes always right. She addressed my bitterness towards the discrimination I have suffered, and touched upon the issue of generalizing all Koreans, something I've talked about quite a lot. I stopped talking to her, cause I don't like being told off, and my ego and pride are constantly in a vulnerable state when I'm with her, but as always a couple hours later I reflected on the conversation and knew she was right.

I was reminded of the film American History X. One of my favorite quotes is from that movie. "Has anything you've done made your life better?" From now on I will control myself, and try to be a lot more objective, productive, and constructive with my entries. I promise happier posts.

Thanks Joo. I owe you the world.

My Eyes Hurt Too

I wanted to apologize to readers for the visual layout of this blog. I've been trying to find the perfect photo to go in the background that is adoption-related and special to me, but also something that doesn't hurt the eyes when stared at for too long. I'll keep working on it, but for now thanks for pushing through the pain, dizziness, and difficultly focusing. You all are the 12th man!