Birth Search II

Day 16 - 12:25pm

With all the birth search happenings that have been taking place in my life recently, I have started to once again think in the method of the great John Raible, think about why we think the way we think. I have remained pretty calm and careless about this whole birth search ordeal and am still in that state as I type this. Yet, through emails, readings of my blog, and conversations in person, many of my family and friends have talked about how it must be a huge emotional event of my life. I couldn't feel any more oppositely. I acknowledge that finding one's birth parents in itself is a huge occasion, but that doesn't mean my emotions must reflect this, especially in sadness and negativity. So here's a look into the mind and heart of Chris Gray.

Disclaimer: There are my opinions and my thought processes. For some reason people just love to argue with me. Stop reading so deeply and drawing wrong conclusions from my words. I don't think anything I say or do or feel is the right way to live. It's my way. I'm smart and mature enough to have seen and understand the full spectrum of how people feel, treat, and deal with adoption, especially adoptees themselves. So if you find yourself feeling nowhere remotely close to the way I do, cheers to you. It's A-Okay.

I have never had loyalty, respect, or care for my birth family. This doesn't mean I actively hated them, but rather they were out of sight, out of mind. I just didn't think about them ever or factor them into my life. For anybody who can't comprehend that idea, believing that birth parents are way to important to forget about, I have this analogy. How many people think about the factor workers who made their car? How many people think about the tree that was cut down to make their house and paper. And of course, how many people think about the cow that died so they could enjoy the burger sitting on the table in front of them? Our society has dismissed and forgot about the makers and origins of almost everything else that we use in our lives. It wasn't to hard for me to not care about the womb I came from. Everybody tells me, "But Chris, they gave you life…" And that just doesn't mean anything to me. I appreciate that I'm alive, but nothing more. I'm not bitter. I'm at peace. It is what it is.

I have measured my life in the relationships and experiences that I have shared with people. So of course, the people who have been with me for the last 24 years mean a lot more than the ones who were with me for 1 day (+9 months if you want to get technical). If in some bizarre Holocaust movie situation, Nazis were holding guns to both my birth family and adoptive family, telling me I must choose which one will live and which one will die; I would choose my adoptive family in a heartbeat (to live of course). Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy, no remorse. Obviously, I hope nobody dies, so that's probably too extreme of an example, but I just want to express how strong my loyalty and connection with my adoptive family is. Maybe it could be the cliché scene where I'm holding each family in one arm at the edge of the cliff. I have to let go of one so I can use both arms for the other. Otherwise, we all die.

I feel that too often in movies and the rest of the media, there always seems to be this unnecessary loyalty to the birth family. Take the Zorro reboot with Antonio Banderas for example. Catherine Zeta Jones is kidnapped as a child and raised by the enemy. 20+ years later she returns to the Californian territories and in a split second, develops complete loyalty to her birth father. I don’t think 20+ years of being raised by a completely different person could be so easily erased. The media loves to romanticize birth family reunions. It's not like that in reality. Of all movies, I'd have to say I was very happy with the adoption/family message presented in Meet Joe Dirt. David Spade spent his whole life thinking about his birth family and finally decides to go on a pilgrimage to find them. But at the end he realizes his true family were the friends that were with him during his journey to find his birth family. They were the ones that were with him and cared about him the whole time.

Before I even came to Korea, I never had any intention of starting a birth search. I didn't care that much, but I wasn't opposed. Statemate, standstill, just like most of my other feelings. But when Holt decided to offer me their services, I wasn't going to refuse. I go with the flow. A young happy-go-lucky man, seeing where the world takes him. I factored my birth family out of my life long ago, so anything that may come, is only a bonus. "Ooo! Piece of candy!" "Ooo! Piece of candy!"

So now for the new news. The Korean Police Department contacted me via Holt and my birth mother is alive. They've located her and Holt will be sending her a letter if I want them to. I agreed and we'll see what comes of it. But I still have yet to have any emotional response to any of this. It just isn't that big of a priority of my life.

In conclusion, I just want to share the less caring, happy, positive, make the most with what you have, view of adoption. I've seen so many adoptees painfully stress and worry over the futility in trying a birth search, that they miss out on developing relationships with the people you have in your life. I recommend, not missing out on life, cause you're too busy searching for some fantasy life that could have been in Korea. Life is what it is…and what we make of it. Insert more cliché statements here.